Shut the F*ck Up Anxiety!

This image couldn't be
more unrelated. I just like it.

I like to pretend I'm cultivating an attitude of calm. I meditate. I do yoga. I'm mindful. Many days, I can hear the whispering of anxiety that almost constantly lingers in the back of mind and ignore it. Other days, it's a bit louder. Some days, it's like, "Hey, remember me? Yeah, I'm going to make you have a major meltdown that will take you months to recover from again. You'll never see it coming." On thosee days, I just want to tell my anxiety to shut it's f*cking mouth. You know what I mean?

I know, I know. Fighting anxiety is one of the reasons we suffer from it. Radically accepting can truly be helpful. Just letting it happen while trying desperately not to do things like go to the hospital, neurotically clean your house, pace around the block multiple times a day can also help, if you can manage not to react to the anxiety. Distraction is one of my favorite tools. That's nice too. I get it. Playing nice works better. I don't always want to play nice, though. Sometimes, I want to get mad.

I want to say, "Hey, *ssh*le. This is my head. I've got stuff to do and I don't care if you think I'm going to get a UTI and die. I don't have time to obsess about relapsing. I don't want to hear your incessant fear mongering. I don't want to shake or cry or have to use the bathroom twenty times in an hour. I want you to pack your sh*t and move out." My therapist would tell me that's cool. She'd say to go for it. I just feel like if I do, I'm going to make myself miserable.

Instead, I'm going to spend today distracting myself from my fears. I'm going to do things I love. I'm going to keep myself busy enough that the voice in the back of my head can't shout over the rest of the stuff that is going on. I'm going to try and I'll probably succeed.

Panicking on Purpose

The road to anxiety disorder recovery is paved with panic attacks. In order to overcome your panic to any degree, you have to have panic attacks on purpose. You have to put one foot in front of the other down that road and get used to that which gives you distress. It sounds counter-intuitive. Trust me, it is doing the exact opposite of what your mind and body are telling you to do, which is why a lot of us, myself included, have persistent anxiety disorders.

For most of us, the biggest problem with anxiety isn't the thoughts and events that trigger it but rather the resultant, often extreme, discomfort. Once something gives you a panic attack, your brain starts to believe that there really was danger. A panic attack sure feels like danger, so it is completely logical and rational to fear the things that have given you panic attacks in the past. Don't let anyone tell you differently. What you have to do is embrace the illogical. Accept the unexpected and purposely do things that make you panic. Give yourself the freedom to be absurd and belly flop right into that gut-wrenching terror.

Today, I did something my therapist and I discussed with my husband in my last session. I hopped in my car by myself (I loathe driving without another licensed driver in the car.), drove to the local park and went for a walk. On the way home, I decided to take it a bit further. I drove down to the local grocery store and was considering doing some shopping, but by then I knew I was going to have a panic attack soon, so I went home and have been having off and on and anxiety for about 2 hours since. Do I hate it? Yes. Still, I'm proud of myself and know it was like taking my medicine. I'm going to have to do it again and again, maybe for a long time. There will be setbacks. There will definitely be panic attacks. There will also be good times along the way as I achieve my goals and get back to the things I love.

If you're on the road to recovery, I'm both sorry and happy for you. It's not going to be a simple fix. There is no simple fix. However, it's going to be worth it. You're going to be tough, or you'll just endure it. Either way, you'll survive it. That's what we do. We take a deep breath and keep going.

Hello Me, It's Nice Talking To Myself

Here, have a photo
of a cute piglet.

I've been feeling a lot better lately. I've been having fewer panic attacks, less negative internal dialogue and more productivity. Today, not so much on the first two. I've felt on the verge of a panic attack for a few hours, and my brain will not shut the fruck up. That's what I'm here to talk about today, since I need something to distract me from having a brain that talks a lot.

Sometimes, it feels like my mind gets caught in a negative feedback loop. I'm sure other people with OCD can understand. I have to argue with it all day about things like whether I'm going to spontaneously lose all my money, my husband's love or my health. I have to tell it that I'm just sweating from cleaning, not about to have another nervous breakdown. I have to say, "So what if you feel like you might cry or puke? What's the big deal?" I know these things pass, as do the thoughts. I just wish rational self talk had an impact on the flood of emotions that come when you have a panic disorder.

A funny little thing about negative self talk is that sometimes it hones in on stuff that is either way too far in the future to contemplate now or that you don't even really care about. For example, my anxiety thinks we care about what other people think of us. When I'm not anxious, I'm solidly healthy about that. When I am anxious, I get neurotic about how people feel about me. I don't like people talking about me when I'm not around. Sometimes, I don't even like people wanting me around. I'm all like, "What is your motivation for wanting to be around me, weirdo?"

When I'm stuck in that loop, there is really nothing for it but distraction. I know that distraction is not encouraged for people with OCD, but I also have panic disorder. I have full-blown panic attacks when I obsess. I can't always deal with that sh*t in the here and now. Writing a blog post, watching TV, reading a book, etc. can help pull me out of my thoughts and into a place where I am better equipped to take on therapy. Feel free to let me know your tricks for shutting up the imp of your mind in the comments section below.

*Title is a bastardization of lyrics from Megadeth's "Sweating Bullets."

A Letter to My Future Anxious Self

Today, I came down with a painful infection–something that is fairly frequent for me, but that I never get used to. The pain was enough to rock me back on my heels and put a stop to a month free of panic attacks. I got through it, but I wanted to write a letter to my anxious self because I can.

Dear Shelly,

Today I had a panic attack. It was a real rocker. You know the type. I sweated, felt like I would puke, worried I would kill myself, worried I would hurt someone else, worried about work, worried it would never end–all in the span of 20 minutes. It wasn't fun. It sucked. I know it sucks. I know it's hard, but I want you to know you do not understand anything right now. Your thoughts are lies anxiety tells you. Even when there is some truth, it is always a catastrophic version of what might be. Sure, the shit might hit the fan, but you cannot predict the future.

I know you're hurting right now. You might feel like you're not good enough. If you're in pain from another infection, you might think that will never end. You have a lot of fears. I'm sorry you have to go through that. It makes me sad to think of you going through this anxiety, whether it's for a few minutes or a few months. I love you, though. We've done all of this before. I know all the thoughts you have, and I love you! You should know that.

I also want to address some of the things you might be thinking. I know you overthink shit big time. I'm not sure addressing your fears will help, but we try everything else, why not this?

1. The moment you need your meds to get calm, you are going to start thinking you're an addict. It's what you do. Even if you think "I haven't had them in forever. I don't crave them." you will follow it up with "Yeah, but this could be the time." Listen honey, this is the thought you have every time. Remember when you couldn't sleep with your medication near you? You have anxiety about medicine, kid. So what if this is the time? Are you struggling with anxiety right now? Take care of yourself with the tools you have. Let me take care of what's left of you when you're done. I can handle it. I swear. I'm waaay stronger than you think I am.

2. You're going to think the anxiety is going to hit its stride and never go away or stick around long enough to fuck up your work. The first is impossible. The second is rare, but it could happen. So what? The reputation you think you need you're imagining. Even if all of your clients cut you off because you were out of work for a month, you would bounce back up, but I'm not here to reassure you. I'm here to tell it like it is. This shit will happen to you. You are sick. You're also fine.

3. You're going to worry about committing suicide because you have intrusive thoughts about it. I'm not going to bother telling you they are just intrusive thoughts. I know what it feels like. You wouldn't listen to me anyway. I will say this, though. I really want a chance to come back to my life. I would appreciate it if you would take care of us and just endure this until you get back to me, okay? If you have to cling to a book for a month drinking Ensure and playing video games with Adrian, do it please. I need you. No pressure, though, eh?

4. You're going to worry about puking. I'm baffled that we're so scared of being sick, but it happens. So what if you puke? So what if you puke up your meds? Make sure they're whole when they come out so you know which ones you can take again, which brings me to . . .

5. You're going to worry that your meds will stop working. I know why you worry about this. Sometimes, our meds are not as effective as they can be. It's because sometimes we have really prominent symptoms. Here's the thing, a pain pill may not completely knock out UTI pain. An Ativan may not knock a panic attack on its ass (though one just did). They will help make your anxiety manageable enough that you can knock back an Ensure, read a book and walk until you find me again. It might take time, Shell, but you will find me. I promise. It's okay to cry and be sad that I'm gone right now.

6. Do what you would have done anyway. If you sit still and cater to the horrible sensations of your anxiety, it is all you will feel. You might as well feel like shit and do something at the same time. You might enjoy the walk less or zone out during family time, but at least you won't just be sitting there feeling like shit, right? Live your life. When it's going rough, it's going to suck whether you lay around like an invalid or get up and risk puking in the grocery store, which still has yet to happen. I can just imagine us if it ever does. "OMG, I was right!" Ugh. Whatever.

My point is, get through it. Do what you have to do. I promise you that I, your calm self, will be happily waiting for you on the other side. I always am. Even if it's just for a minute that slowly grows over time to be hours, I am always waiting for anxious me to get to the other side of anxiety. This is not reassurance. This is just a fact. I can't wait to see you again. It feels so good to be alive. I can't wait to tell you that.

Love, Shelly

Physical Symptoms of Anxiety

Anxiety is an often-debilitating feeling that can descend on anyone, at anytime. It can come in the form of mild anxiety or full-blown “attacks.” It can happen a few times in a person's life or it can become a disorder that affects a person frequently over the course of their lifetime. Anxiety is not only impartial about whom it affects and when it affects them, its symptoms are also very diverse. A person may experience one symptom or many, making it feel like their body is out of control. Here are some of the more common physical symptoms one might feel when they are in the grip of anxiety.

Sweating/Chills

It is common for a person with anxiety to start sweating and/or feel cold. The sweating may occur anywhere on your body where you can sweat. However, sweaty palms and armpits are most common. A person with anxiety who feels cold may feel cold even under a blanket. This feeling of cold may also be accompanied with shaking.

Nausea

One of the most common physical side affects of anxiety is nausea or vomiting. People who vomit from stage fright are experiencing a form of anxiety. The nausea may go away quickly or it can be debilitating.

Shaking

Shaking is something that comes with being nervous for some people. Anxiety, being a form of nervousness, can cause extreme shaking. This shaking can be uncontrollable and mistaken for other conditions. 

Increased heart rate

Increased heart rate or heart palpitations are a sign of anxiety. Anxiety attacks often lead people to believe they are having a heart attack. Nevertheless, you should not assume that a racing heart is caused by anxiety. You should always consult your doctor if it is persistent, accompanied by other physical symptoms or is debilitating.

Shortness of breath/Gasping

Another one of the most common physical side-affects of anxiety is shortness of breath or gasping. Anxiety sufferers will often complain of an inability to breathe. It is important to remember that what helps an anxiety sufferer to breathe well again is not the same for people who suffer other breathing difficulties. In other words, do not perform live-saving measures like CPR or the Heimlich if they are conscious, gasping, able to talk and/or do not have an obstruction in their throat. Furthermore, do not give them prescription asthma medication, if it is not prescribed to them. If their breathing does not become regular with calming breathing exercises or it appears that these exercises are having no effect, call a doctor or bring them to one. 

Tingling in extremities

Anxiety sufferers sometimes complain of a tingling sensation. Tingling of the hands and arms is most common. This is another physical symptom of anxiety that may cause a person to believe they are having a heart attack. 

Dizziness

A person having an anxiety attack may feel dizzy. This can be accompanied by nausea or poor balance. In both cases, it is best to sit and wait it out, if you know you are having an anxiety attack. 

This is not a comprehensive list of physical anxiety symptoms. Each sufferer is unique and may experience a wide range of symptoms. The tough part is knowing you are having an anxiety attack because the symptoms are so varied. Be sure to talk to a doctor if you are experiencing anxiety or anything else that produces these symptoms. There are treatments and you do not have to suffer.

*This article does not take the place of medical care. It is not written for the purpose of self-diagnosis. If you are not well, consult your physician. 

Driving With Anxiety

Below is an article I wrote several years ago about driving while having panic symptoms. I'm sure you will find helpful techniques in the "Resources" section of Living With Intrusive Thoughts. 

For many people who suffer from anxiety or panic attacks, driving can be a harrowing task. This is especially true for long distance drives. Worry about having a panic attack while driving even stops some sufferers from ever getting behind the wheel. For those of us who have anxiety and wish to continue driving, there are a few things you can do to ensure your safety and that of others, not to mention your piece of mind.

In every case I've heard of and in my own experience, a person who suffers from frequent panic attacks can sense them coming well before they become debilitating. They should have a few minutes to decide the best course of action if one hits them while they are driving. If you feel a severe panic attack coming on while you are driving, the best thing to do is to slow down and pull over safely. Note that I said a severe anxiety attack. If you are having mild anxiety, you can use some grounding or soothing techniques to keep yourself safe and happy behind the wheel.

Unfortunately, it is not always that simple. If you are stuck in traffic or on a busy highway and you think the attack is going to be severe enough to affect your ability to drive, turn on your hazard lights. This is an indication to other drivers that there is a problem and you need to get off the road. Courteous drivers should then get out of your way to the best of their ability. Remember, panic attacks cannot last forever. No matter what, you have the time to wait out the symptoms and get back on the road.

Once you are pulled over, try to summon any breathing techniques or coping skills that you have in your arsenal. Try to maintain your composure to the best of your ability. Remember it will only take you a few moments to get off the road and park your car if that becomes necessary, so you are in no danger. You can deal with the panic attack itself without having to worry about your safety.

Some anxiety attacks are not severe enough to affect one’s ability to drive. Mild panic attacks may not cause an immediate risk, but can quickly elevate in a stressful driving situation. If you are having a mild panic attack, the best thing to do is to try to clear your head and think of all the possible good outcomes of your day. Try not to think negative things that may increase your anxiety. Keeping your music at a low volume or rolling down your window to get some fresh air may even help. Whatever you do, be sure to concentrate on your driving. This alone may be able to distract you enough to get you to your destination without incident.

Panic/anxiety attacks are different for everyone. Some people have difficulty breathing, others shake uncontrollably or feel nauseated, or any combination of these and countless other symptoms. Because of this, whatever works to keep your anxiety at bay while driving may not work for others. The important thing is to have a plan in place that makes you feel comfortable. That way, when you feel an anxiety attack coming on while you are driving, you know exactly what to do and you are comfortable doing it. Sometimes the satisfaction of getting through an anxiety attack unscathed is the best therapy you can get.

If you have any tips and tricks for dealing with anxiety when you're driving, please share them with us in the comments section!