Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Shut the F*ck Up Anxiety!

This image couldn't be
more unrelated. I just like it.
I like to pretend I'm cultivating an attitude of calm. I meditate. I do yoga. I'm mindful. Many days, I can hear the whispering of anxiety that almost constantly lingers in the back of mind and ignore it. Other days, it's a bit louder. Some days, it's like, "Hey, remember me? Yeah, I'm going to make you have a major meltdown that will take you months to recover from again. You'll never see it coming." On thosee days, I just want to tell my anxiety to shut it's f*cking mouth. You know what I mean?

I know, I know. Fighting anxiety is one of the reasons we suffer from it. Radically accepting can truly be helpful. Just letting it happen while trying desperately not to do things like go to the hospital, neurotically clean your house, pace around the block multiple times a day can also help, if you can manage not to react to the anxiety. Distraction is one of my favorite tools. That's nice too. I get it. Playing nice works better. I don't always want to play nice, though. Sometimes, I want to get mad.

I want to say, "Hey, *ssh*le. This is my head. I've got stuff to do and I don't care if you think I'm going to get a UTI and die. I don't have time to obsess about relapsing. I don't want to hear your incessant fear mongering. I don't want to shake or cry or have to use the bathroom twenty times in an hour. I want you to pack your sh*t and move out." My therapist would tell me that's cool. She'd say to go for it. I just feel like if I do, I'm going to make myself miserable.

Instead, I'm going to spend today distracting myself from my fears. I'm going to do things I love. I'm going to keep myself busy enough that the voice in the back of my head can't shout over the rest of the stuff that is going on. I'm going to try and I'll probably succeed.