Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Hello Me, It's Nice Talking To Myself

Here, have a photo
of a cute piglet.

I've been feeling a lot better lately. I've been having fewer panic attacks, less negative internal dialogue and more productivity. Today, not so much on the first two. I've felt on the verge of a panic attack for a few hours, and my brain will not shut the fruck up. That's what I'm here to talk about today, since I need something to distract me from having a brain that talks a lot.

Sometimes, it feels like my mind gets caught in a negative feedback loop. I'm sure other people with OCD can understand. I have to argue with it all day about things like whether I'm going to spontaneously lose all my money, my husband's love or my health. I have to tell it that I'm just sweating from cleaning, not about to have another nervous breakdown. I have to say, "So what if you feel like you might cry or puke? What's the big deal?" I know these things pass, as do the thoughts. I just wish rational self talk had an impact on the flood of emotions that come when you have a panic disorder.

A funny little thing about negative self talk is that sometimes it hones in on stuff that is either way too far in the future to contemplate now or that you don't even really care about. For example, my anxiety thinks we care about what other people think of us. When I'm not anxious, I'm solidly healthy about that. When I am anxious, I get neurotic about how people feel about me. I don't like people talking about me when I'm not around. Sometimes, I don't even like people wanting me around. I'm all like, "What is your motivation for wanting to be around me, weirdo?"

When I'm stuck in that loop, there is really nothing for it but distraction. I know that distraction is not encouraged for people with OCD, but I also have panic disorder. I have full-blown panic attacks when I obsess. I can't always deal with that sh*t in the here and now. Writing a blog post, watching TV, reading a book, etc. can help pull me out of my thoughts and into a place where I am better equipped to take on therapy. Feel free to let me know your tricks for shutting up the imp of your mind in the comments section below.

*Title is a bastardization of lyrics from Megadeth's "Sweating Bullets."