Where Do OCD Themes Come From?

I'm not sure I believe this yet,
but I'm working on it.

Every person who has OCD has a theme or themes that affect him or her. One of the more obvious and well-known themes is contamination–the fear of being contaminated by someone or something. You have to wonder where these themes come from. If a person had no knowledge of illness, bacteria, etc. would he or she still present with contamination OCD? Would the feeling of being dirty just manifest with different obsessions? It's hard to say. The person may develop a different theme or no disorder at all. I became interested in this question last night when my therapist pointed out that there may very well be a source for my OCD themes.

As a Pure-OCD sufferer, there are a lot of themes to my OCD. I have relationship obsessions, some medical obsessions, violent obsessions and more. Until last night, I just thought it was about whatever I found abhorrent. That isn't exactly incorrect, but my OCD may have been guided, so to speak, by events in my life. For example, I have a fear of becoming addicted to my anti-anxiety medication, so I struggle when I have to take it. There are many addicts in my family, and a close family member died of alcoholism. I don't drink at all anymore. I was never addicted, but when my anxiety started, I stopped even taking sips of beer. In some way, it may have latched onto things I was already afraid of.

I remember watching a show once, I think it was Obsessed, about a woman whose father died in a terrible car accident. She became terrified of driving, obsessed with his death. I mention this because it is no secret that this disorder takes advantage of trauma and tragedy the way it did with this woman. I was just surprised it did that with things you thought you dealt with, things that were well in your past. I'm sure that is not the case with everyone who has intrusive thoughts. Sometimes, it really is just the worst thing you can think of, whether you have experienced it or not. Still, to think there may be something else at work there gives me hope that maybe I can dig down deep and fight OCD on another level.

Fear of Addiction: One of My Many Intrusive Thoughts

That's me, doing my advocate thing.

Today, I progressed in my exposure and response prevention therapy to one of my harder "triggers," and that is thoughts that I will become addicted to my anxiety medication. There are a few things that make this particular exposure tricky. Firstly, I am on medication that is potentially addictive. Secondly, I have days when my anxiety is too great to function without medication. I have this trigger in my life that I currently depend on, but am afraid to become truly dependent on. This is a field day for my obsessive mind.

I'm not going to go into medication details for now. I know I'm not the only one with medicine obsessions, so I don't want people to equate my experience with my particular cocktail as everyone's experience. This stuff is too nuanced for that. What I will say is that I am on a low dose of my particular medication, but I take it everyday right now because I was on a higher dose in the hospital and we want to make my transition to taking it rarely again super smooth. At times, I know I'm doing well with the taper and I am not abusing my medication. Other times, I'm convinced I'm addicted and I don't even know it. It's been enough to cause bad enough panic attacks that I need my meds, which I'm sure you can imagine fans the flames.

I've been questioning my relationship with my medication for years. Even when, as a person with co-morbid and relatively severe panic disorder and OCD, I was taking a low dose maybe once a month, I would sometimes convince myself I was addicted. Suddenly, my panic symptoms must be symptoms of withdrawal, my need to make the panic stop really just a need for medication. Never mind that my panic exists with or without the medication. It's just where my mind goes. Now, I'm trying to face that fear and live with that doubt. It's not pleasant.

This is probably my most uncomfortable exposure yet. I think that is a good thing. It might finally be working.