I ran into an old post online by a "writer" named Kallie Provencher. I'd link it here, but then you might read it. The post was titled "24 Things Women Should Stop Wearing After Age 30." The meat of the post wasn't much better than the clunky title. It was essentially a catty list of things 30+ women shouldn't wear, coupled with a generic photo and 1-2 snarky lines of copy per item. It would usually run something like, "Children also wear mittens. Totally not cute."
Here, in no particular order, are the things Provencher included in her list of things women over 30 shouldn't wear accompanied by pictures of women over 30 wearing them.
Blue Eye Shadow
I get it. Some blue eye shadow is not flattering, but that's true for people of any age. Pro-tip: never apply any eye shadow from lashes to brow, unless you really want to because it's your life. Also, I wore blue eye shadow to my wedding and didn't look even a little like Ursula.
|Pretty blue. Note that it doesn't|
go up to my eyebrow.
|Why would I have all these |
blue shadows in just one palette
if I'm not supposed to wear them?!
I don't have my ears pierced, so I had to seek out some help for this one. I got it from my awesome cousin and her little sweetheart. I have to admit, she's about .5 seconds away from being 30, but she has assured me that she is not putting away those hoops any time soon.
|Pretty ladies for life!|
Not everyone is confident enough to wear a crop top. In fact, the photo below is of me wearing one when no one but my husband was around. However, I say if you have the confidence, wear the hell out of that crop top. It doesn't matter how old you are. Do what feels good.
|Look at my belly, bitches.|
For this item, one of my oldest friends (not old like that) gave me a quick selfie of her in a furry coat or vest. She quite frankly doesn't give a fuck what other people think she should wear. I love her for it.
|Just try and take her furry clothes.|
Old sneakers are the sweatpants of footwear. Are you trying to suggest people over 30 shouldn't be comfortable? Well, I don't care.
|Not only are they old, but I|
also paired them with a skirt. Booya!
Stuff That's Bedazzled
Hey, there is no reason to limit sparkles to younger women. Everyone wants to shine a little sometimes. Pink Floyd even tells us to. Who are we to ignore a direct order from Pink Floyd? Here's my cousin again rocking some youthful bedazzling.
|Girl still has her|
scrubs on from work.
She's too busy for my bullshit.
I'll go right ahead and admit I don't usually wear mini skirts out in public, but I do own one. I dusted it off just for you guys. I even added my booties that make me feel like the leaning tower of geisha.
|Yeah, yeah. I look like I'm|
headed to the bar. So what?
I'm not really into leopard print unless I'm painting it on someone. However, a ton of women love it. Here's my buddy Theresa rocking a leopard-print blouse. Thanks, Theresa!
|That print is actually not so bad.|
Maybe I need to buy some leopard-print stuff now.
This I am totally guilty of. I'm 6' tall. Of course I show off my legs sometimes. The legs are the last things to go, ladies.
|My poor husband had to|
take so many pics of me today.
|I added a mirror selfie because|
I'm sure the lord of the 'net would
tell me not to do that too.
Here comes another stupid thing to tell women over 30 they can't wear. Furry boots keep you warm. I guess women over 30 should just freeze and shut up about it. I'm from New England. Everyone has furry boots. Here are a few from some great cousins.
|Furry boot socks with a bonus mogwai tattoo.|
|Over 30 and loving the boots.|
Those leggings are pretty rad too.
Wait, you get a pass on mismatched socks before 30?
Just in case you haven't had enough of feet yet, here are some platform flip-flops. You don't stop needing lift when you turn 30 and you certainly don't stop needing flip-flops, so I'm failing to understand the logic in banning these, but whatever.
|Check out the bonus kitty head!|
What is it with this lady trying to suffocate my face paint game? Sadly, I don't own super glittery eye shadow. I have shimmery shadows, but they won't show up in a picture. Lucky for you, I have a killer glitter eyeliner that you probably already spotted in my blue eye shadow post. Here's a bonus for you.
|Every time I come around yo city . . .|
Oh, come on. A yoga T-shirt that says Namaste with a pretty lotus flower on it is technically a graphic T-shirt. Do you see women under 30 wearing those? As a retail writer, I write countless descriptions of graphic shirts aimed at the over 30 crowd on a weekly basis. I'm going to go with the type this gal was probably banning and say you'll pull my graphic tees out of my cold, dead hands.
|You know nothing . . .|
In the original *cough* article, cheap bras and overalls were two separate items. My BFF decided to go one step further and just combine them for a double whammy of "in your face, I do what I want." Forgive the selfie arm. She doesn't have a cameraman (husband) like I do. Plus, she's over 30, so she doesn't have a selfie stick . . . yet.
|Go go gadget bra!|
I'm going to start by saying I was wearing a PINK bra this entire time. What?! I know. Shame on my 33-year-old boobs. Since I'm not going to post a picture of my VS bra, I'll do you one better with my PINK yoga shorts. They have an incredibly durable and comfortable line of yoga wear. I recommend it to anyone who likes being comfortable. Also, I read that old women like me aren't supposed to wear booty shorts. These are the closest things to booty shorts I own, so this is what you get, but seriously, if I had the body for it and an occasion for the kind of booty shorts that really show some bum, I'd wear them.
|Bra straps are a bonus.|
This classic style does not go away with age. In fact, nothing is more adorable than a quirky old lady wearing big sunglasses. Since I don't have one handy, I'll do you one better with my super-stylish little sister rocking her big ass shades at Orchard House reading Louisa May Alcott's Little Women.
|Zoom in. I promise they're huge. |
She owns that look. Every. Day.
I don't own a tube top. Frankly, my mamas are not going to stay put in one of those things in public. However, I do own a bandeau, which is just a more cropped version, for doing yoga and wearing under strapless clothes. I'm not super comfortable posting pictures of myself in it online, but I'm trying to tell you all that you can do whatever you want when you're in your 30s, and I want to create this blog post, so here I am. I'm practicing my handstands in this photo. I love my husband for his willingness to photograph me whenever I ask.
|I always notice the floor needs|
cleaning when I'm upside down.
Anything From Abercrombie & Fitch
Abercrombie is not exactly Justice. It does have grownup sizes. I personally don't shop there, but I've occasionally inherited a hoodie or T-shirt from the place over the years. I've had no qualms about wearing them. Here's a photo of my cousin in A&F. Is A&F a used abbreviation for this place? It is now because I'm not typing that name again.
|I can't tell if she's excited|
to help me out or making fun of me.
From what I've heard, American Eagle jeans fit amazingly well. I see no reason to stop getting the fit you want once you've been alive for three decades. Screw that noise. Here is another of my oldest friends working hard in her kitchen wearing American Eagle jeans that make her butt look great.
|Is that a purple chef coat? Fuck yeah.|
I discovered something about sparkly pants that may explain why woman over 30 don't really wear them. It's because it is really hard to find a pair of sparkly pants for adult women that isn't cheap-ass club gear or overpriced designer wear that most women don't want to waste their money on. The good news is, there are plenty of sparkly pants for the 10 and under crowd.
I wasn't going to leave you hanging, so I give you Kate Hudson in a freaking sequined jumpsuit.