Anxiety Isn't The Boss

Fear doesn't mean you have to stay still.

Sometimes, I'm sitting around watching television, hanging with family, doing chores, whatever, and I have something like a profound thought about my OCD and anxiety. Fine, it may not be profound, but it feels important to me. I had one such thought just now after using the bathroom, because I'm glamorous like that. The thought was this: My anxiety behaves so much better when I'm the boss. It's like a lap dog. If I don't give it proper discipline, it decides it makes the rules. When I don't let anxiety make decisions for me, it lessens naturally. Doing whatever the hell I want in spite of the horrible physical symptoms and emotions that crop up makes panic so much less intense.

(Disclaimer: I know I've said the same thing in different ways many times, but if you have OCD, you know sometimes you have to find new ways to think of the same ideas.)

What do I mean by doing whatever the hell I want in spite of my anxiety? I mean a few things. Firstly, if I'm working and I panic, I try hard not to stop to try to soothe myself. Soothing myself tells my brain something is actually wrong. Instead, I just keep working (sometimes). Another example is perhaps me excitedly planning to go to some event and then later dreading it because of anxiety. I know I actually want to go, so I do my best to do it anyway. I don't want to prove my anxiety right on any account. It rarely ever is, and it is never right about the severity of a damn thing. She's a drama queen, for real.

I know that self care is a much-touted aspect of mental health, but that doesn't mean self-care has to be a week off of work to collect yourself, thought it can mean that. For some people, like myself, stopping to savor the panic only makes it worse. If I "just keep swimming," as a wise fish once said, I tend to make out better. That's not to say I don't sometimes spend the day trying to distract myself from anxiety, but rather to say that the answer may lie in taking note of what you really want out of life when you're feeling well, so you can do it anyway when you're not.


Listen, if there's one thing, no matter how small, that you really want to do, but your anxiety is telling you is impossible–ignore your anxiety. Even if it makes you feel like you could shake out of your shoes and the world is falling in around you. Just do me a favor and achieve one thing that matters to you. Feel free to tell me how much of an ass I am in the comments if it doesn't go according to plan, but don't you dare forget to tell yourself that you're a badass for trying.

Be well, readers.

Panicking on Purpose

The road to anxiety disorder recovery is paved with panic attacks. In order to overcome your panic to any degree, you have to have panic attacks on purpose. You have to put one foot in front of the other down that road and get used to that which gives you distress. It sounds counter-intuitive. Trust me, it is doing the exact opposite of what your mind and body are telling you to do, which is why a lot of us, myself included, have persistent anxiety disorders.

For most of us, the biggest problem with anxiety isn't the thoughts and events that trigger it but rather the resultant, often extreme, discomfort. Once something gives you a panic attack, your brain starts to believe that there really was danger. A panic attack sure feels like danger, so it is completely logical and rational to fear the things that have given you panic attacks in the past. Don't let anyone tell you differently. What you have to do is embrace the illogical. Accept the unexpected and purposely do things that make you panic. Give yourself the freedom to be absurd and belly flop right into that gut-wrenching terror.

Today, I did something my therapist and I discussed with my husband in my last session. I hopped in my car by myself (I loathe driving without another licensed driver in the car.), drove to the local park and went for a walk. On the way home, I decided to take it a bit further. I drove down to the local grocery store and was considering doing some shopping, but by then I knew I was going to have a panic attack soon, so I went home and have been having off and on and anxiety for about 2 hours since. Do I hate it? Yes. Still, I'm proud of myself and know it was like taking my medicine. I'm going to have to do it again and again, maybe for a long time. There will be setbacks. There will definitely be panic attacks. There will also be good times along the way as I achieve my goals and get back to the things I love.

If you're on the road to recovery, I'm both sorry and happy for you. It's not going to be a simple fix. There is no simple fix. However, it's going to be worth it. You're going to be tough, or you'll just endure it. Either way, you'll survive it. That's what we do. We take a deep breath and keep going.

My Therapist is Leaving Me

I know that changing therapists is part of being mentally ill and getting treatment. We all have reason at some point or another to start "seeing someone else." I've done this only once before. After a single session with a therapist who had somewhat outdated ideas, I found the therapist I have now­–K. We've "been together" for about three years now. I know this is the exception. I've met people who have had upwards of 10 different therapists over time. I always hoped that wouldn't be me. During my last session, I learned that K would be leaving the practice where I see her for greener pastures. I have mixed feelings.

When I met K, I was in a similar situation to the one I'm in now. My anxiety was in overdrive. I was having multiple panic attacks a day instead of one or two a month. I was having difficulty eating, working, sleeping, etc. For three years, she helped me get through my ups and downs. She helped me manage to stay sane long enough to marry my amazing husband in a real ceremony and reception! She's done a lot for me, including starting me on exposure and response prevention a few weeks ago. I'm in the middle of that treatment now, and I'm switching therapists.

Now, I'll get into my bag of mixed feelings. On the one hand, I am extremely nervous that it will take several tries before I find a therapist who knows anything about ERP. K didn't, but she knew me. I'm also nervous that this will be a setback. On the other hand, I am so happy for K, whom I think will do great in her new position. On yet another hand, because I have three, this could be a good thing. I'll learn to cope with someone new. This person may have tons of experience with what I'm going through, and maybe I'll like them as much as I like K.

I've shed a few tears. I've had moments of fear over this impending change. I have my doubts about the future, but none of these things are alien to me. All change is a challenge for me, and I've faced so many challenged over the course of my illness. The timing is probably terrible. It will probably throw a wrench in my treatment for a bit while I get to know someone new. However, that may make it more beneficial. I'm going to have to adapt and overcome. What better treatment is there?

I'm definitely going to miss K, though. I hope she'll be okay without me.

Keeping Up With Exposures Is Not My Strong Suit

I should start by saying that while I am sitting here writing this, it is 6:11 p.m. and I have still not done an exposure for today. For those of you who don't know what the hell I'm talking about, I mean I haven't done a bit of therapy where you make yourself anxious on purpose. I know I'm supposed to do this, but if I skip it in the morning, I just don't have the heart by the evening. I'd like to think I'm just too busy, so I have a legitimate excuse, but I'm starting to suspect that I am avoiding it.

Thus far, exposure and response prevention homework has done either one of two things to me, unless I am already anxious (then it works a charm). I either get terribly bored listening to a script over and over, which I know is what is supposed to happen. However, I just get bored by the script. The content or trigger still makes me anxious. I think I'm doing something wrong. The other thing it does is make me mildly upset and really annoyed. It's time consuming and going over the content of my fears is stressful. Still, it doesn't provoke anxiety the way an intrusive thought would.

There are several possible explanations for my current setback in ERP. I may be unwittingly sabotaging it so it doesn't work and I don't have to suffer panic attacks. I may only be triggered by intrusive thoughts when I am already a bit anxious. I may only be triggered by intrusive thoughts when they pop up, rather than when I'm purposefully thinking about them. It could also be that I simply am doing it wrong. I'm supposed to do this at least once a day for an hour and half. That's a lot of time to mess it up. I'm going to speak to my therapist about it on Thursday. Until them, I'm off to listen to a script or watch videos or something. Go therapy homework!

The Weirdness of ERP Scripts

I'm at about week two of my exposure and response prevention treatment. (My husband sitting next to me just now informed me that it should be called dedicated exposure and response prevention just so the acronym is DERP.) I've written my first scripts and are using them to expose myself (not like that) for 2-3 hours a day, starting this morning. I dabbled in the scripts before, but now I have a dedicated time frame and it's daunting. Anyway, I just want to say how weird it is–not wrong or unhelpful, just weird.

Those of you who do not know what an ERP script is, it is basically a story you write about your worst obsessions coming true and perhaps even worse than you expected. You write it, record it and then listen to it over and over. So, here I am with this story about something I'm terrified and disgusted by, laying on my couch, listening to me tell it repeatedly. I couldn't help but realize how strange it is. It's like toeing the line between treatment and trauma. Not to mention, it's a little like being insane. Remind me never to record one of my books in e-book format and listen to it back. I'm not sure I like my voice being broadcast to my brain.

The exposure worked a bit. I was anxious to begin with because it was morning, so I was susceptible to the script. It also made me sleepy, maybe because I listen to e-books sometimes when I nap. It was a bizarre combination of boredom, sleepiness and anxiety. I have to do another exposure tonight and I'm thinking it might be time to just read the script instead of listening to it. Any ideas?

Starting a New Treatment: Exposure and Response Prevention

This is me even thinking about
exposure therapy. 

Anyone with a persistent mental illness who has sought help can tell you that getting treatment just right takes time. That space between getting sick and feeling relief stretches long for those of us with OCD intrusive thoughts. These horrid thoughts can plague us for months or even years before something provides significant relief. Mine has been pretty cyclic, so I have had downtime over the past six years, but I've never actually been treated specifically for OCD because standard CBT helped enough to be encouraging. The OCD has always been treated as part of the larger picture of my mental health problems. Not anymore. My amazing therapist is gearing me up for exposure and response prevention. We're starting full bore next week.

What is exposure and response prevention? It's pretty much exactly what it sounds like. The patient is exposed to her fears and is asked not to engage in the typical response (compulsions). In time, this habituates the patient to the fear and hopefully reduces the amount of anxiety felt in response to it. You can read more about it here, here and here.

I'm excited to try something new and hopefully get a grasp on my life again after a recent upsurge in symptoms, not to mention a healthy dose of depression (maybe that's not the best way to put it *shrug*). I'm a little nervous too. Obviously, I don't want to face my fears. They make me scared. However, I'm crazy willing to do anything they say will work at this point. The other component of my nerves, apart from the obvious I'm scared of everything bit, is that my obsessions and compulsions are not clear-cut. I have "Pure-O." I don't wash my hands to get rid of germs or flip light switches on and off. My therapist is going to have to wizard up ways to expose me to obsessive thoughts and stop me from reacting with my compulsive thoughts.

It's all a little Greek to me right now, but true to form, I'm researching the process and getting ready to take it on. I really hope that I get positive results to share with you fellow obsessers, particularly you Pure-O types who have to put a little extra work into identifying what your compulsions are. I'll let you know how it goes, as long as my anxiety keeps letting me get my writing done. Wish me luck and feel free to share your thoughts and experiences about/with exposure and response prevention in the comments section.